Being Horrible (at life)

(Upon, 22x44" c-print, for NEXT BIG THING (OCAD Student Gallery)

In some many ways. Something beyond tongues and butterflies. An awkwardness from awkwardness; that feeling; that need to speak. You have to get something out, but you're worried, or something, and can't do anything. It is the block hits you and that tells you, you can't speak, you can't react. There is a naked person in front of you, and you can't say anything. Neither can you throw your clothes off, and be merry with them. You're stuck, you're alone, you're both alone, and it's that awkward. I would like to think by now I can form some reaction, something to either create humor out of the situation, the same sense of humor which has helped me out of a lot of awkward situations, but even that falls short. I can look lost and then find a penny on the floor, and say, "I found a penny", but there aren't any on the floor, just someone's clothes. I am trying to make them feel like I am on the same level, that I too feel naked, and that we are both alone, I just have my clothes on. I don't want to upset anyone if I keep them on, so I usher them with saying, it's just me, with my clothes on, always, you know, haha... For a child you can just comedically fall and hit the floor, for an old person you can just ask about the weather, for a person quite similar to you, all you have is a risk that scares you into familiar discomforts or can just stay still, hoping they can't see you if you stay still enough. I would like to shake their hand, maybe even give them a good old international hug. Can we just have the best hug ever without it looking like a cop-out, that I was afraid. A hug that says, I love you, you human being, yeah, sure, we're alone, that's the human condition, that's existential and stuff, but this hug is two bodies coming together to form one, and that this is the brace that is the only thing keeping two things falling apart.

In the end, no one will clap, no one will cheer, no one will realize we just saved humanity.

Oh! You, Golden Child

(Justin Just In Time, 2009)

Good times with good folks goes a long way. You can spend your whole life trying to find the right company, the same producers of comfort and pleasure. I think I got it here in Toronto, a place I call a city of love. There's love everywhere, but not necessarily everywhere, but with the right people, close to your heart, they'll make you explode. I just wanted to say how much this city, these people, these faces, and these times are grander than anything of me, or you, and anyone we know, because it is happening right now, in our lives, and their lives, all around us, and within us, together and forever let's make this work, let's make it right, and you're damn sure it's all alright, because damn right I like the life I live, because I went from negative to positive (and it's still allllll good)(bab-baaby)(B.I.G).

More Than A Feeling

(Modern Ghost, from whatijustmightcall; Holy Mountain!, 2010)

Here's a little diary entry. I finished thesis last tuesday. Days prior I felt fed up and tired. I didn't see anything beautiful in my work because perhaps it was too worked, it was too watched, and it was something I had to talk about over and over. I got better at talking about work that was loose but I got tired somewhere midway. I was feeling like I just might not continue doing work for a while, and there was even a brief thought of doing something else. I am a stubborn person, I am also complicated and unorganized (in an unconventional sense, that unorganized like a sea of chaos only one person knows how to navigate through and when you ask that captain chaos he or she will tell you they can't explain it, but they'll try either way).

I say, it is my stubbornness that is my greatest and worst asset as an artist and as a person. I'll be stubborn to change when I feel it should it should remain or have a different direction, but it is my stubbornness that keeps me going. That's it, I'm too stubborn to give up now. And after writing a whole lot of something-something about one body of work, I just want to make work that is as loose as the pants you left behind when you got shipwrecked on a deserted island. I want to focus on the strange but beauty for a while, I want to start making work that is more intuitive than conceptual. I want a feeling over a reference, a pain over an intellectual epiphany. I'm not trying to change the world, but create something I like and for reasons I can't explain. I want you to have the same song that is stuck in my head stuck in yours. Moore than a feeling by Boston, and here's a youtube link because if you've gone this far with me, than I think you need to refresh your ears, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcsVPis1iNs

Learning to Love Yourself (More) pt. 13

(Welcome to the Jungle Pt. II, 2009)

UnDefeatable

1. Getting angry and getting frustrated seem like good ideas at the time but then when you eventually cool down they just look ridiculous.

2. Reason and reasonability seem silly too when you think of when you thought one way and now think completely differently. How can you trust your word when you're constantly changing your mind, it's like knowing yourself is knowing your greatest enemy (awkward small-talk at the urinal)

3. Sometimes lying can get you out of a bad situation, like lying your way out of getting your ass kicked. It is a means for survival, but why just let a lie or two stop there, why not use it to get people to like you. Just tell them the truth once in a while to throw them off.

4. Yes, survival. Like when your body becomes numb in cold weather, you wonder why your heart becomes numb after being broken (winter seems to get longer the older you get).

5. Good days happen, and when they do you realize it is a good day, with a smile, and you think positive about everything. ALL IS GOLDEN. You can lick the concrete for God's sake, everything is good. And it's because of all those bad days.

5 (pt.II). We constantly fall to be reminded how good it is to walk.

5 (pt.III). But as walking is a regular thing we do on a day-to-day basis, I should say we crawl, metaphorically speaking, we fall, and then crawl because we're half-afraid of falling again, and half-brave to walk and risk it all.

5 (pt.IV). And when we walk a good deal, it's hard not to feel good.

5 (pt. V). Now RUN!

6. I think we all need a partner (friend or other else) to hold their hand and promise to each other that we will help each other get through this*

*and this could be anything: a break-up, a death, a break-in, a bad day, a few things all at the same time, a quicksand pit, an apocalypse, or just a vague this that alludes to the universe of possibilities.

7. Sometimes the F-word could be a really great way to deal with one's problems, as simple of a solution it is, there is always something nice in the act of saying, fuck this*!

8. Man-up, Woman-up, kick the bucket, bite the bullet, and blow this popsickle stand (in a non-suicidal way), and make explosions happen (in a non-terrorist way). Ripe this, your, world apart, and make it a new asshole because this, and all of this, is yours, all your pain, all your guff, all your struggles, brother, sister, mother and father, are yours for a reason, to prove no to me, nor anyone else, but yourself, that you, and you alone (because we are all alone (Sartre)) on this, and it is your fight, it is your life, and your death, and you may only have this one and only life (Nietzsche), you get one shot (Eminem), so get up and get ready, rock this, and drop that, you got it going (on)(Marvin Gaye).

9. Because this.

10. Is it all: Before you, after you, and everything you, it means nothing, without you.