One Big Joke

And then they shall see me.  And then they shall laugh.  And what makes me smile, laugh in delight, scream with joy from the top of my lungs down to the soles of my feet is that very sound I hear.  Thank you.

There is this feeling, it comes and it goes (but never leaves).  It has been with me for as long as I can remember.  Before it I could not really say, for its coming and its staying has shaped me into who I am today.  It has taught me many things.  It has showed me many places.  Carried me to this person and that, and I have always felt the opposite of empty because of it.  Because of it.

For years I have listened to it, let it scream out within my soul.  I let it inspire me, make my lips make words, my hands of gestures.  It would sit in my step and together we carried each other one by one and step by step.  It has led me to many faces.  It has help me say many things.  And though all was spoken and though those words were received.  For a while I had expected, wanted and desired a return.  That it would rid me of a loneliness that came from knowing such fervid words were mine and mine alone.  Such fire that burn and burn brightly thirsts for companion.  For what fire wants to burn alone, like the crumbling wax from a single candle.  It longs to burn its captors house, consume their walls, not to be lost but to bathe in the company of others.  To dance with a fire in the heart.

What are failures when there is nothing to be expected?  When intend is intended and where honesty is spoken freely.  From this plateau I learned not to be afraid but to believe.  And it is here where I did not find other but found myself.  Over time I learned that there is no shame in my thoughts and in my feelings, nor was the act of speaking and sharing ill of me.  For each day is a leap faith.  That for what I believe in is tested to see if it holds and if I am true to its revelation.   For words to become actions and beyond.  To change sight, mind, approach, and outcome.  No longer question where I stand and what I believe in.  For my feelings to be felt, and not to feel alone but to bathe in the greatness of the self.  Only to allow it to dissolve to the world surrounds it.  To allow the self to be other and to be given no form.  To fall between hope and doubt, I and you, and light and dark.

If we can't laugh at ourselves we can't laugh at each other.  And if we can't laugh at each other we cannot laugh together.  Momma used to say, you can do two things: cry and feel sad or laugh and feel free.  I don't think there was ever an option.