Frozen Lake

(Pallet Yard, Wailuku, 2009)

There is a frozen lake that isn’t too far from where I grew up, and my sisters and I used to skate on it. Our mother would warn us that the ice may be too thin for skating, but we still went to, everyday no matter what. The days were filled with frozen cheeks and joy, and we forgot the time as the sky turned blue before black, and we would see the sun sink behind the tree line. We were in a place with no memory, where our summers here were forgotten to the winter wonderland of our backyard. And it was in all of this wonder, skating alone, that the ice beneath my feet had failed, and I had fallen beneath the surface. I screamed with all of my heart’s fear, I spoke to anyone, asking for help, to save me, to help me, and yet to hear nothing as the cold water filled my ears. I felt lost from the world as I was diving into another. What world may this be, of fiction, of nightmare, with shadowy figures that look like those who I have known. Where were you now I thought, and then a moment froze into another, and like a clock on its last legs. It was then, in all my despair, I saw before me a white brilliance.

Had my voice that once screamed been heard by an angel, I said I wasn’t ready yet and with no words she took my hand. I said I hadn’t seen the world, and with no words she took my hand and lifted me. I said I was too young to say goodbye but too old to say hello, and with no words she look into my eyes. I wasn’t ready, and then I said, I could never be ready for such…and with no words she carried me above the ice and then above the land, and my skin felt warm again, my heart felt life running through it again, and my eyes rolled back and then returned to see hers. I fell asleep, waiting to wake up. My eyes are still closed and yet I feel her arms lining my back, as our bodies both jump from each step she takes, I feel her hands hold tight to my body as she takes another step, I wished I was lighter, I wished I hadn’t taken so much of life into my bones and into my flesh, and she takes another step. I wanted to walk again, to walk beside her, to have the strength to take each step with her, and yet she takes a step. I could feel her strength, and it felt endless, and she takes a step.
I said stop. And though my voice was low, and though my voice was weak, breaking apart like dry leaves she stopped. A moment before a moment I realized I hadn’t planned on my next move, that I said stop because it felt right. We hovered there; in the indecisive moment, and I saw her foot was just before a step, and I said, let me down. And so I came to meet her at my feet. I didn’t know what was next, I just felt like being on the ground with my two feet was right. I took her hand, and placed it over my heart as I placed my hand on her chest, and felt her heart. I felt my hand move farther away from her heart then closer, and with one deep breath I matched her breathing; our hearts were now in tuned with each other and her foot was just before a step. I knew it was only right to place my hand where she had hers. I knew it was only right to ask of her name. And I wondered, and I longed to hear her speak.

I closed my eyes and waited to wake up, and I have yet to open them. And then I heard an angel speak.

And what did this angel say?