FO REALz

(Burrito Bandits (after Content Aware), 2010)

Freddy and I used to smash 40 oz'r on the curb, only after we poured some over for those we once knew, some we loved, some we loved like family, and then we'd take a drink, and throw. Times seemed simplier then, I was younger, and all we did is carelessly move through life. Money was easy, school was bullshit, and it wasn't really hard getting booze or weed. It was when you got the word that this person died, this person you'll never see again, it was only then when you realized how fragile this world is, and it was also the moment you realize that your life up until that moment was not real.

Fast forward a decade later, and the word, REAL, for real, be real, aren't mottos you used to sling around the curb, those philos you throw in rhymes, and say to your homies. Nah, this real is real, it is knowing that you're old enough to buy booze now but you have to pay for it, that you can get weed now, but you have to work for that money. These days aren't necessarily harder than back in the day, because being a kid is hard, there was all types of shit going on, I'm just saying, these days are something else, with a hand flying over my head (nearly crashing into a black sea of hair with the occasionally white beacon). I think these days you have less viable options, and too many choices. It is harder to move, it is harder to imagine and do, it is harder to maintain and control. Life seems to get more chaotic the older you get.

I guess what I'm trying to get out here is that a few years ago I was struck by lightning, it went right through my body and into the ground. It was probably the most anti-climatic moment of my life, and only because I expect to win the lottery right then and there, with my body all stiff and shaken. In a sea, I expected a great white to swallow me whole, but it did not happen. When I took ride across this fine country, I expected to find some purpose to my life, but I didn't. All I learned was how far I can go, and by the time I realized how far exactly I have gone, I realized I can probably go a lot further.

These days I drink too much, and I stopped smoking. Everyday, I get more awkward and I would like to think it is because I'm learning the truth about myself. And as I reach my hand down to crazy kid I once was, and try to hold his hand, to give him a wicked handshake, and tell him FO REALz, he just looks at me like I'm a complete idiot. I think to myself, my job here is done, I'm a grown-up.

I used mumble as a child, and even now I try to speak more clearly, only to fail. I used to lie to my mother when I was young, I lied to her to keep her away from the bad things I'd do. I am trying to be a more honest person, with one word at a time, with each day a new way to speak my mind. That child I once wasn't lost, and he wasn't taken away from all alcohol, drugs, fooling around, and crime, he just was hidden from me until I was old enough to realize how young I still am. And everyday, I grow, only to shrink, and everyday I learn, only to forget. And everyday, is everyday, and everyday is just a part of everyday, and that this day, and that day, and yesterday, and tomorrow will be the day, that is like everyday, but different in every way.

SMASH!