Sunday, January 22, 2012

Infinity and Beyond

(Workers Disappear in Stanley Park in the Summer of 11')

The times are a'definitely a'changing. And so Wildly Beau-Billy goes into a drunken fist-throwing rage screaming about the apocalypse and his sister's second child. We were wild and wilder then but the times have changed and who we are today are ugly adults of what we once were: ugly kids.

-When was the last time you cried?
-I'm not sure if I was crying sad tears or just tears of pain but it was definitely in the summer.
-What made you cry?
-I felt like the doctor was cutting my umbilical cord. I came screaming into this world and I swear I remember being born and being content in my mother's womb. As soon as that fucker cuts that connection with you and your mother it's over you're stuck with this world, -there's no going back.
-So what happened this summer?
-This. Summer. What made your eyes swell up out of pain?
-Oh. I felt something being shivered from me by someone else's hands. It was after the funnest week ever and when it came to the end, that end that just had to happen I was driving home from the airport and came home to a household that was suddenly quiet and abandoned. It was all too obvious that something was definitely missing and it wasn't something I couldn't put my finger on I knew damn-fuckin' well what was missing. The feeling of lost is like being free from a day job for an entire week in the summer and the weather is just perfect, I mean PUR-RR-Fect, and you're having one adventure after another and you are in a state of absolute carefree-ness and then you have to go back to work, it starts to rain and get colder, no one is around anymore to hang out when you finish work, and you realize you're broke and broken and summer is over. So I was in my empty bed and I felt this well inside of me press hard against the cavity of my body it forced my eyes to swell up and cry. Not bitch tears, I wasn't sobbing my whole was just dealing with this intense feeling. It was how I imagined my father crying, some heavy shit just happened and his eyes would more or less bleed tears out.
-And this was the last time you "more or less" cried?
-As far as I can remember, yes.
-Did you feel any better afterwards?
-Probably not, but I feel like I have some dark well of sadness and shit inside of me that would prefer if I cry. In crying you release some steam, you let it all out. I remember when I was much younger I would let it all build up inside of me and then just release it. It was like eating a lot of food for months without taking a poop and you have the urge to go number two but you don't let yourself do it. Weeks go by and you're practically sweating it out and then when you can't take it anymore you still hold it in. Gofers and Turtleheads. And then when you pass that threshold and you are now in the space which is Infinity and Beyond you release it. It comes raining down and by then what is pouring from your eyes aren't sad tears but painful tears. And the feeling felt like a weight being lifted from your shoulders having lived a significant amount of time with it pushing you down. I can't remember the last time I did that and I feel like some damn rock got lounged in the pipe that lets it all out.
-So what chu sayin'?
-I secretly want to cry like a small child. Cry uncontrollably and with no sense of reason or rationality.
-But you can't because of this theoretical rock that is lounged in your theoretical pipe of emotions.
-E x a c t l y.

WWB told stories but most of all he told strange predictions that always turned true. All of a sudden his eyes would roll back at any second and his voice would grow deeper and slower as he told you of his foresight. Hauntingly, his altered voice would narrate a tale of soontocome. It would be sometimes hours, days, weeks, and even years (which were the most troubling since you were waiting for something to happen for a long time,anticipating and it was always when you were relaxed about it when it would strike) before the predictions came into actualization.

-Watch Out!
-What do you mean? Why are your eyes rolled back? Why are you talking that way?
-It will come to you when you least expect it. It will strike you when you are down. It will bring you even further down and you will swear you feel the heat of the hell below. And when you reach that threshold you will continue down and when you finally reach Infinity and Beyond it will disappear. As if waking upon a dream you will return to normal, but this normal is suddenly renewed, you are relieved, gaining another chance, a new lease at life. Everything will taste sweeter and what you have is suddenly rendered precious. We all need to be renewed.

[faints and falls to ground and starts to shake violently]

-WWB. You alright? What just happened? Stop shaking like that! You're scaring us!

[wakes up and stands up on his feet, looks around, and says:]

-Why do you all have that look on your face?

The bike ride home was haunting. I couldn't shake what was shaken from his words as the street lights passed by I felt as if hovering above my former self. What is going on? My world was now a strange dark place and even the comforts of home were robbed of their safety. My bed felt colder than before and as the cat crawled up to my feet and my eyes felt heavy I escaped. Leaving one world behind and entering another. What a strange feeling lingered on the end of my tongue before becoming tasteless. I was asleep.

(All while I sleep deeply of tropical adventures and a place called Kokomo, that's where I wanted to go.)

A faint light glows in the darkness before becoming brilliance like a thousand suns. Within the glow is a face, it is too bright to see any features but my mind knows it is a face, one of the first abilities we learn as new borns. I try to peer through the brightness willing to go blind to see but still nothing but pain. Something draws me to this vague face, I feel its gaze upon me and yet I struggle to realize it. My voice calls out but it seems does not acknowledge me. It continues to glow too brightly for me to see it. It continues to stare, watching me struggle to look into it. All I want to is see it, it is so bright, it makes me go crazy, I feel the sanity bleeding from my eyes in a warm ooze. I have a fever. And before I overheat from its glow it disappears. Just. Like. That. A flash, a fart in the wind - gone.

This brings us up to speed where we are now. Waiting and occupying our time as if we are doing something greater than waiting but that is exactly what we are doing. The time spent between represents the void that is being filled but the void is still a void and still very much a canyon, a valley, a grand lower plane. And as the rain spits upon the window and as the cars swoosh by on slick surfaces the sky above is painted a gray dull that can't seem to quit nor change for an entire day. Why if moments like dull rainy weather only lasted for half an hour, that they'd come and go like the sunset. Would we romanticized them then, and what would become of the sunset if it were to stay a brilliant red, orange, yellow, and pink for days on in and never change? Like a beautiful moment on repeat, some minimal piece by Philip Glass repeating over and over with moment made exactly the same replaced over and over. Like each great moment of life replaced over and over. And whether you want that moment to last, whether you are trying to hold on to this light, oh so brilliant light, it will be replaced and it will move on just as the sunsets and Philip Glass arpeggios. A dance, a furious cycle, an endless ending, or the final hour of The Return of the King. Where mercy is meaningless and the beginning and ending are forgotten and all you have is the middle. To look at your future before you with squinting eyes for it is far too bright and far too grand. Over time you become desensitized and the light is now easier on the eyes and what you see fits the phrase, "It is what it is". What then? No more Trouble or trouble, no more distraction, no more no more, just this. And what is this, I ponder, what we have, in our hands, before us now, standing, sitting, waiting, but not waiting, and hovering through time above its former self. What do we have, baby, what do you not, and everything in-between and all around. To infinity and beyond.

-We got something now, we really got it.
-What is it?
-I don't know but we got it. That's. All. That. Matters.

[The world grows dark and then bright and dark again and bright and it continues into infinity]

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