Outta Control

(Untitled, from The Barking Wall, 2011)

In 2006, the feeling of lightning striking skull and electrifying the cells and the tiny clusters of energy that make up human consciousness were stimulated in my mind. No, I wasn't actually struck by lightning, though I once wrote about it, on here, (here being my blog in case this ever ends up elsewhere for future notice), and had someone come up to me, asking me how it felt to be struck by lightning, to which I responded, "now where did you get a ridiculous idea like that from?". Back to the summer of 06', it like most summers had that heat wave romance sort of thing, where you meet someone, someone new, and new in the sense that they are different, far different from anyone else you ever met, and that their presence, their company, they are refreshing, and adding to the plate, that which is human experience, your experience. The moment we met it was an instant and unmistakable chemistry, we had contact, we were connected, and back then I associated the feeling of previously knowing that person, but from a different time, perhaps a different life. Things got really hot, and there was a struggle, there was relief, with boatloads of tension, pain, hard times, and most of it was like that. It was probably the worst relationship I had, or at least, the worst clear cut relationship that had a clear beginning and a very crystal ending. I remember the feeling of losing everything I had, I was dipping my toes into insanity, she drove me insane. The mind games, the never there, stood up again and again, I was dating a phantom, I couldn't do that, there was no ground to stand on, and I didn't know how to fly. Anyway, I'm going on way too long about this relationship. There was a book I was reading throughout the relationship, and when I finished the book, I was completely, and totally over her. Without a doubt, I had shed, I had peeled, I had been reborn, and had evolved into a new person. I swear there was a mist surrounding my body, as I turned into a vague silhouette clouded by a blue mist, when the smoke cleared I was formed a human ball, naked, with a perfect sphere cut into the ground and the nearby trailer truck, still smoldering from my evolution. That was the moment I started to see the world in what I called, UNCONTROL*.

That was all I could think of, this UNCONTROL, which was always written in all caps for some reason. To break it down into lamemans, it meant I had just as much control of someone's life as my own, simply because the lives of others heavily attribute to my own, that we are all in this together, and that influence is so great, it is the fabric of one's self. The world around us, is constantly entering our mind, and stirring ideas, creating what appears to be new thought, but rather new thought to you, old thoughts to others, and that this is who we are, hybrids of thought mixed with old and new resonating within us and producing a unique tone. The complex construction of the mind itself is just this, that there are some many intricate connections that it is able to create the conscious and subconscious self. Life as a complex series of connections is too chaotic and without visible structure or logic, existing on both time and space, and is always shifting, formless, and most of all, eluding, and ambiguous we can never see the whole network, just the occasional and the most simplest of patterns. Cause and effect, a plus b equals c. Times that by every thought of the mind, of all the minds that ever existed, along with the all the minds that will exist in the future, and then have someone exclude them self outside of the picture, to see it with the eyes of an anthropologist, and then maybe you made grasp the system, the mechanism of life. And through all of this, like the idea of God, I gave a name to the source of all of this, I started to believe everything is preconceived. Like the orbits of the planets, through understanding the fluctuation of the space around them, their gravity pull, the things that influence their gravity, and their trajectory we are able to graph out their path. Things as big as the sun, even bigger, and farther away, we are able to have a great sense of where they will be in the future based off statistics; collecting data on what factors influence everything that evolves around that particular planet. I don't ponder the sameness of giant solar masses to the human lives, but that there are similes between the two. That our space is our everyday lives; the cities we live in, our asteroids are other peoples and obstacles, our gravity is our history, and that our trajectory is where we are meant to be, where. we. are. meant. to. be. Followed by the F word, fate. And why not imagine that through all of this chaos that this complex rhizome system is the reason we are able to navigate and get anywhere, without being taken by influence of this and influence of that, is because there is fate, or rather this invisible line of human trajectory, that we end up doing what we FEEL like we should be doing, or perhaps we don't feel it, which is most of the time.

This is the first time I let my mind wonder in these circles, for I remember once over-analyzing everything, seeing everything as a significant moment in creating who I am. It is impossible to think that way, when you're living it, only in time can we understand what that particular moment really meant or had influence of, in the greater picture, when seen from a far, in a calm and tranquil state, removed, and acting as just a visitor to a past moment. Every summer I made a habit of re-reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, to return to it. And every summer I seem to get caught up in something fleeting, taking me away from my ordinary life, and shaking it up, bringing something new to the table, and attributes to who I am, and I hope I can return the favor, I hope to be remembered, to have done something for that person, and this person, to have this influence and that influence, to have changed someone, ever.s0.slightly, but politely, with your permission, can I, may I, ok, here. we. go.

*Time is a factor of uncontrol and a dimension that effects our lives. Life itself is a measurement of time and therefore it is uncontrollable. One takes in all that surrounds oneself whether consciously or subconsciously, one's surroundings enter perception. Perception is two things: the imagery we see and the way we see imagery. What we see is a definition of quality, and quality is a value given differently from person to person. It is value we see before the object/subject (Robert Pirsig). It is in sense a selection. The perception sees quality and quality transforms into object/subject and forms an image or a thought. Everything one sees factors into the definition of perception to the individual. This constructs the mind frame of the individual and is the creation of mentality. Mentality is the filter that takes an image or thought and chooses its definition. Of course since mentality is so different from person to person, everything in one's surrounding is completely different from another's perception of same surrounding. The key part in the difference in mentality is the quality in one's life. The objects/subjects that one senses enter perception at certain times in one's life. Example: One meets another, the person one meets will arise influence and will factor effect in one's mentality. And in addition, the event itself is an event in a time frame called life. These events that occur, such as a meeting, a sight, being in a surrounding, etc., are items that occur in time, and therefore are uncontrollable. In broader aspect, it is these events that make the individual an individual, and that these events construct the meaning of life. Life is uncontrollable, a microscopic measurement of time. In addition to the constant of uncontrol, there can exist structure within time itself. If events make the individual, and that chance of two individuals meeting, and that this event causes a large scale change in the mentality in either one or both of the individuals must be questioned. The difference between meeting a common individual; sharing a common similarities but never beyond normality versus the event of meeting an individual that not only is beyond normality in similarities but is an apparent factor of change in mentality. Further, one is aware of this individual and their factor of change to oneself. It is human nature to be aware of similarity as much as it is to feel alone as an individual. Attraction to similarity between two similar individuals is comfort of two individuals constructed similarly; meaning that they feel the same in certain aspects, and have similar mentalities. This event of conscious awareness questions the matter in which the event has happened, and ultimately, one asks, why it did happen. The common applied hypothesis is a factor of "fate". Fate is an unexplainable definition. It is the belief in the unexplainable. Here is where a structure forms in this "unexplainable fate", and that all events are the same, therefore all events are unexplainable. This makes reason the same as fate in that they both are unexplainable hypotheses that can't be explained because the closest answer one will ever find is the question itself. The structure is placed once one believes in all events as unexplainable. The only logical testament to all of the unexplainable is simply to think of a clockwork of events. Every event changes the individual and that individual survives to see these events only because of the clockwork structure's existence. It is in clockwork that all events are timed; a preconceived motion. And in all of this, life as a factor of time, and time as a factor of uncontrol, and uncontrol as a factor of clockwork order, life is a clockwork. In this formula the definition of life is a preconceived order in which events occurs. It is a constructed perception which comes from quality and the mentality that filters the perception that make the notion of existence. Life itself is the events that occur with its time frame, and mentality; the conscious awareness, are structures that form from these events. The clockwork and the placement of the individual in that order is the definition of life itself. For if there wasn't a chain of events, the conscious notion of existence wouldn't exist to question the definition of life. It is quality, the value that exist before the object/subject. It is the events, the occurrences that exist before the conscious thought.
-Brendan George Ko September 23, 2006
(Robert Pirsig's "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" idea of Quality being the value that exist before object/subject)