Saturday, January 3, 2009

Let It Go

My hands are dirty. Clean but dirty. I left my coat on the floor, my shoes halfway beyond the non-shoe area of my apartment, and my hair is still moist from the rain. My glasses are dry and my tongue can still taste the words. Let It Go. Let It Go. (repeat for eternity). I feel like I wanted to be sad, it’s easier this way, feeling sad feels good. I sometimes look for sadness only for the feeling. Its like the smell of gasoline, it’s so different from any other smell your nose is used to that you wanted to take in more but you also know it’s not good for you. But you still feel like smelling it. And when there isn’t happiness you crave whatever you could get that is different from the norm.
The rain was perfect, the moment was perfect, but I felt this wave building over the perfect ride, that thrill vibrating beneath my feet as the board glides over rushing water, and then it becomes too much, it first shallows you with its shadow and just before you look back you feel like the ground of a stampede, and just like that you are thrown a million miles into nothing. I tried to escape that walk in eternity; those two minutes felt like an hour, and that hour felt like a day, then week, then month, and then I saw my entire life, as I started walking backwards, you were still walking forwards. The raindrops started to float from the ground in slow motion, and I said goodbye, our orbits were changing, the sound of our feet splashing into the water just before hitting the ground. I was leaving you, and you were leaving me, in slow motion. I reached out, and my hand searched, blindly without my eyes, for your mitten forgot to give back to you, but you were gone now, and so my eyes weren’t lying I couldn’t see you anymore. I started running and my legs, although going backwards, ran perfectly going backwards and without control my arms started to complement my leg movement as I ran faster and faster, not stopping, not thinking, faster and faster. The rain surrounded my body in a pool of still, not frozen, water as I broke the sound barrier; I was faster than I had ever thought I could be. I had never met the end of my speed, but my legs were running as fast as they could, and then a thought came into my mind. I saw you, running too, but in forwards motion, passed the person you were with, and you were so fast he didn’t have the time to react as he turned his head in slow motion to where you used to be. You left an outline in water as your speed ripped through the water instantanously. Slowly that rain water will fall to the ground and by then, the moment he hears it you will be halfway around the world.
I wasn’t sad, and though I wanted to feel sad, I couldn’t, you didn’t let me, you were the only one to make me feel happy in a long time. And then we ran, opposite of each other. I didn’t know if you would run passed me, when we eventually met, and I wondered if you would stop when you knew I was close. I had a great distance to run, and so did you. I wondered if I would meet you halfway around the world, and then I thought of where halfway must’ve been…maybe Israel, or somewhere around there. I imagined running so fast that the world would go backwards in time, and by the time I made it to Israel and the surrounding areas, I would see the birth of man, but as soon as I saw that I would see Adam and Eve instantly, and everything would flash in front of me and everything would return to the present as you neared me. My feet grew lighter and lighter until the earth beneath them didn’t exist, I was floating in space, and as the future took over my sight of the world from a far I saw the sun grace you with a celestial silhouette. There you were, the fastest thing ever, as we got closer and closer, time was so slow at that moment that everything sounded like the waves crashing from beneath the surface. I could smell you, so close, and then I could see a highlight of the right side of your face as the sun moved across your body, giving me piece by piece so I could see you in the most beautiful light. I saw your feet, they were on fire, and I then looked down at my feet, and they too, were on fire, and then I returned my eyes to your feet and saw that you were fine, and I felt fine and we were really fast, and it felt amazing. I kicked everything my legs had, and realized I wasn’t going my fastest, and I worried for a moment, that I would become faster than you, and that you weren’t my soul mate found in speed, but the closest thing to it. And just before I could complete that thought, for a split second you stopped. And just as sudden as you stopped you started to back up and then ran even faster than my eyes in slow-motion could see, and realized I shouldn’t have ever doubted you. My legs blew up in a blaze when I saw you running faster than me, and then I started up for speed again, trying to find the last ounce I had left. It happened so soon I can’t remember what happened first. I just saw your face, it was the most beautiful expression I had ever seen a human do in my entire life, you froze for moment, your mouth open in shock and you glassy eyes transformed into the saddest and caring eyes I have ever seen, and then your whole body locked into place from the power of expression. Everywhere I could see was blood and fire, the bones in my legs were shattering in every place possible, and I didn’t feel pain, I was taken by your face, I was being carried away with you, in a new body. I was the particles of light and stone, being held like a baby in your arms. And just before I could see you stop I blinked by accident, and I am still in that very slow blink, wishing, hoping you are there before I open my eyes, waiting for me, with a million miles of dust instantly catching up to you. But I haven’t opened my eyes yet, I’m afraid you’re no longer there. And I open and see.


amanda said...

this post still shows up on our feeds

even though its backdated.

just letting you know.

BrendanGeorge said...

I am very aware of this, and like the man who knows he has a seed between his teeth he thanks those who inform of this.

I sometimes leave post as drafts and publish them at a later date.

cqueso588 said...

Thank you for your writings. I enjoy all of them deeply.