(Test image from The Barking Wall, 2011)We have something in common, you and I. I held his photo in my hand, I would say his eyes were his best physical feature, hazel and clouded in mystery. Jorge had something deep and secret about him, and at the same time he was the most honest person I had ever been with. If I saw this same photograph before I knew him the way I knew him I wouldn't have imagine myself running away with him, he looked unique but something didn't pop him out from a crowd. He used to say he never encountered any problems crossing the border, has never even had a traffic ticket to spite being pulled over a few times, there was something about his face, his demeanor that could do no harm. And perhaps that was the trouble, when he goes on like he does, goofing around, never really serious, and when he is with new people I'm never quite sure when he is going to be shy or the life of the party. What took him out of the crowd was how easy it was to talk to him, he had a cool-without-being-cool presence, and I know he felt most comfortable around me. Why I decided to leave in the middle of the night was because we had been living with each other, unplanned-just-happened-upon, for over a month, I didn't think I could go back to that lifestyle, not now at least. I had lived with someone for years and years, having them always around, I always had that comfort but at the same time I didn't have my solitude, even when I was given my solitude, the place we shared when I was alone always felt like something was missing. And even though I knew what that something was, it still felt more ambiguous than it really was. It was when I realized it wasn't my boyfriend at the time who was simply missing from the empty apartment, it was the fact that I felt empty towards him, and so I left. I wanted to disappear for a while, start dating again, be free, maybe even be wild. I danced around in my panties one night singing girls just wanna have fun (I didn't really).
When I met Jorge, he seemed to be that wild that didn't cramp my style, he wasn't heavy, looking for a relationship, he was fluid, we were both fluid, looking to flow, go with each moment, never over-planning, just enjoying what time we had, and when we said goodbye he'd awkwardly say goodbye and linger for a moment then leave.
I left him in the middle of the night, I escaped the same time I usually left for my evening run up and then down the mountain. But this time, I didn't run up or down that mountain, I decided to leave for a while, just wonder. I didn't know if I was coming back, but I left all my things anyways, I didn't need anything I had enough on my mind. I ran toward the valley, hopped a few fences, and made my way to Locos, a local bar lost in the valley where not even cops venture to. I checked into a room and took off to the beach at the bottom of the valley, there there was a black beach. I took off all my clothes and ran in, carelessly like the wind. The moon was full, and the surface of the water formed a conveyer belt of blades sparkling in the night. For the first time since I can remember I felt free and alone, in my own space. I didn't have someone holding me, kissing me, telling me sweet things, I was just here, goddamn it felt good. If I had clothes on I'd rip them off at this point so instead I just screamed at the top of my lungs until I started to cry. The waves crashed over me, my body lost all the urge to stand and I felt my body crash to the bottom of the sea. When I surfaced I floated there for what felt like infinite, watching the moon shine through passing clouds, water flooded my vision and made the moon, the clouds, the milky luminance look even more beautiful in the distortion. I felt my heart crush, I whispered to myself, I am, I am, I am, freeeeeeeee....[splash, splash, splash, happiness!]
The ocean returned me back to where I belong, I awoke on the shore, it was what Jorge called, The Hour of the Wolf, or coming to the end, I could see a deep violet just beyond. That deep violet moved higher in the sky and what replaced it was a red, then orange, and yellow. I wondered if Jorge could see this, he was probably still sleeping. I thought to myself, if I were to return he probably wouldn't have noticed I left, and that all of this, would just be a secret I would keep to myself.
I return to the bar, went to my room and slept. There wasn't time for thought, or to appreciate the firmness of the bed, I just fall asleep like a stone.
We are connected somehow, there's something about time spent with you that I can't quite quit, if it wasn't for our bodies our days would be 48 hours, even longer. I think I needed someone like Jorge, he was there but I could be here, and I think that he was fine with that, no lingering, no longing, we could survive without each other. I think. For the first time in my life, I missed him.
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