(Leah Before The Church of Our Lady Immaculate, 2012)
Some of the most embarrassing moments of my life have been lifted from immediate memory indefinitely. In fact, I can't quite remember any of them other than the really funny-in-retrospect moments, which are also few.
There was a time in my life with my mind tended to remember the really sad moments of my life, as if they were something monumental and all-important to who I am today (or then). Somewhere along the line that value in my memory shifted and now I can only remember the best of times. There are of course some sad memories that have stayed with me and will remain with me probably forever. I just wonder what made all that change? What event or events happened in order for such a drastic change to occur for me to suddenly stop remembering the sad parts of my life for the happy ones. The only thing I could think of, and as cheesy as this is to say, is love. When that thing happened and changed everything, even my concept of memory.
As I trace back my past, it was three years ago and of all the seasons it was winter, and a cold one at that. But inside my small apartment at the time, on carpeted floors and a careful collect of lamps I was absolutely warm sharing one moment after another with that special so-and-so. The outside world could not enter that space and with each moment passing it grew a deeper sense of warmth. I remember writing my best love letters then, on a typewriter, and with grammar and misspelled words omitted to the fact that there was passion written with blood on those once blank and lifeless pieces of paper. I didn't actually soak my blood on my type writer's ribbon nor did that warmth nor passion last into the warming weather, and things that grew in that fall-winter love story of my life in 08-09 have halted in place, have been even forgotten or misplaced and have remained three years behind and three years without progress. I can't imagine the dust that has gathered on their surfaces nor can I imagine their once brilliance. All that remains are shadows of once was and the swell that followed the end of that love.
What happened happened and the transformations that occurred then stay with me now. I started to recall some of my happiest moments of my life again. And where there was once sadness is happiness, a happiness I may or may not have failed to shared with others but one that exists within my heart and makes me feel good.
There is nothing profound to say here, nothing out of the ordinary, this is just how it is, and one thought out of an infinite amount. All I can say is that nothing is solid, not sadness nor happiness, not love and regret, and that everything shifts and everything falls only to ascend in a whole new way. The wheel is constantly being reinvented and only our stubbornness to hold on will prevent us from changing, to shifting, to being reinvented as we perform the act of letting go one time after another until nothing makes sense (only to make all the world of sense later). Just. Let. Go. And be swallowed by the changes.