(Reconfiguration of Before & After, Smash, 2009)
Toughen Up!
You care too much and you know it. When they do something wrong to you, you find it too hard to be mad at them. But what happens when you have flowered them with kindness to the point that they don’t realize what they’re doing to you?
Inside you feel bad, and sometimes frustrated; you want it to change, I do too. But change won’t happen until you apply it to your life.
The hardest thing to do is to look them in the eyes and try to be mad at them. It’s the world between being mad and just wanting to hold them; telling them never to leave, and wanting to them to be nicer. You’re afraid of losing them, that if you tell them you’re upset or disappointed about something they did they’ll be upset because of what you said, and now you feel like an ass. But listen, you’re not, and they should know it, and if they know it they also know they did ya wrong. …And if they get mad, and look at you like you’re nothing, then don’t worry, it is better that way; as you see them for their true colors. But listen, if they really give a damn about you they should stay, I hope so. The truth is you don’t know. And so you keep these things inside of you, and they accumulate over time until you are left with only frustration in your time alone. This will destroy you if you don’t find some output for this, and the only way you can is by telling them; at this point you pretty much have to or else they are no longer those wonderful people to you.
That saying caring is sharing has a flip-side, and this is it, so tell them how you feel.
“Honesty is the best policy.” – My Mom
The Most Honest Thing
Listen, I’m no expert. In fact, I’m amazed you’re actually reading this. I am the worst candidate to be an author of any self-help, but this is helping me with my own life, and all the crap that happens in it. With this I see through all the bad, even if half of what is written on these pages is bullshit, perhaps that is my way of seeing advice on self-produced positivity. I want you to know, I have a hard time taking advice about living a happier life, especially when I think life is out to get me, but we need each other sometimes. And if you haven’t gotten anything from all of this so far (I don’t blame you), then I want to share one thing with you: when life gets really fucked up, when you just don’t care to wake up because dreaming seems like a better way to live, and you don’t feel like you have anyone to talk to, at the moment see how ridiculous it all is, and then laugh. Laugh at your life, laugh at the people in it, laugh at the Gods, and laugh at yourself. And the only tears that should follow such well-deserved laughter are from laughing so hard. Hopefully by then you feel better, because you know you’re not alone, you have yourself to help you back up, and you will always be there for yourself at the end of the day and the start of another. But I’m not going to lie, I’d rather have someone I love to comfort me, telling me everything is going to be ok, as I fall asleep like a drunk baby in their arms.
I want my happy ending to spite the cliché, and I want my love too. But things aren’t going to be that way all the time, and they rarely are, so I’ll settle for something else, anything to keep me going on this lone journey through life. As I learn to love myself more, I learn how much I matter, even if it is only to myself, that’s all I got to offer.
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