Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Learning To Love Yourself (More) pt.5

(How We Say Goodbye)

Saying Hello To Loneliness

It’s not real, this sense of being alone. You have friends, you have people who care a lot about you, so why feel so lonely. What are you running from? It’s all in your head. You keep telling yourself it is like dirt that doesn’t exist and yet you keep cleaning your hands, over and over, for nothing. And when you look in the mirror you see someone lost, and that isn’t there. You’re not alone, just not there. And everything everyone is saying sounds like they aren’t there with you. That hearing those you care a lot about tell you you’re not alone without them being there is a strange thing. But rather to fall further, and try to find answers to your loneliness, you should stop. Hold on to the rock that you have fallen from and then proceed to the next rock right above it. Keep this up and soon you’ll find a rhythm in it, and perhaps you’ll even feel better. You think to yourself how awful it was to feel alone while you had such friends, and soon you forget why you felt that way in the first place.

Be carried away in your arms and legs as they move on their own. Feel all those worries and doubts leave you as if the growing light from above was cleaning the very flesh of your consciousness. You eventually reach a point where you once were, and you remember being happy here, but your arms and legs don’t stop, as you continue on curious to see what is at the end of all of this ascending. Would you believe me if I said there was nothing waiting for you, that all of this was just a trick to get you out of an imaginary hole; a hole you may not have even been in. You never required anything said the placebo; you were never alone or at least more alone than you ever have been. I’ve heard many words on loneliness, and one that seemed to stay with me the most over the years is: we’re always alone. It was an unhappy and bitter old man who said it, and it would be later I found myself as an unhappy and bitter man, for hopefully other reasons than this man as I denied any similarities to this man, and wondered why people were still so important to me, and the connections we share. It was the fact I wasn’t alone when I was able to relate to someone’s situation, and they saw themselves in my position and felt sympathy in the process. It was knowing someone knew me more than myself that scared the unhappy and bitter old man away, when I heard your voice for the first time it felt familiar; calling me home. I press my ear to the wind of a forgotten forest and I hear your voice as the wind warms my very soul.

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