Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Learning To Love Yourself (More) pt.7

(working image from Philm, 2009)


Running as fast as you can and hitting a brick wall. Your skull shatters starting at the jaw; you can hear the crack happen before your ear is completely cupped but a flat surface of hard and then the sharp pain in your back breathes fire all over. Your hands distort to ways they have never have before as your body dances to the collusion, and your heart is just fine besides a few extra beats in-between. Don’t cry you’ll get better. You’ll wear scars to show you had survived this experience, and instead of running away this time you embrace your past. I can’t lie, never have been good at it anyhow, but it still hurts so bad, and you just want to form a human ball and attach to a chain and be swung from building to building as you test to see which one will crumble first your world or yourself.
It’s not the easy way out, and you’re not making things harder for yourself because of a masochistic pleasure in feeling sad or pain. You just want the poetry of destruction to rectify this change in yourself. You are new, dipping from birth, and the world suddenly is not so well-known and dull. Your eyes look up at things, and everything is full of promise; every face, and every lie makes you a believer. And if this is what it takes so be it, as long as you can forget half of the fall, half of the collusion, and find happiness in surviving, and being able to walk again.

I want to explode, I want that moment of spontaneous human combustion, leaving half my legs, socks, and shoes perfectly intact as my couch turns to flames then smolder and burnt flesh. But it will probably never happen, and so I have to find other things to aspire to. I have to reach high in the sky, and tell the voices of doubt to shut their pieholes because I got dreams. Let the dreamer dream and create the world around him or her as he or she is a master of his or her own.
Remember you are the author of your life, whether things just collide into your path, you will fall over and over, and once in a while a large and heavy brick wall will appear from nowhere and it will hurt, it will hurt real bad when you hit that hard wall, but you’ll get up, and you’ll walk with a limp, and then walk normally, and one day, without realizing it, you’ll be back to running. It is because you are on your feet again, after life dished out you all these surprise brick walls that you are a master of your own, never fall too hard, never cry too long, and never forget the parts that make you, you.

No comments: