Learning To Love Yourself (More) pt.8

(As His Heart Pounds, She Lost Him, from The Untitled Collaboration of Brendan George Ko and faye mullen, 2008)

Lead-Hearted

There’s a repetition in life, where you experience the same thing over and over, and yet you survive. Over time you become tougher, ready for heart break, but each time it takes a little more, even if you can’t afford to lose it; there it goes. Each time makes another failure, and you ask yourself over and over, why did I let myself be a victim. Don’t feel bad, nor feel like you have failed to learn the lesson because there is nothing to be learned. You are still pure, and your heart, no matter how many times you tell yourself your chest is a void, an absence where your beating heart once was, you still got kick, and you still got love inside of you. You will be beaten more, and more until you reach the end of what you think you have, and yet you still keep on going. I admire this about you, because your strength is beyond most. Every time you fall you get back up, and you continue to fight for happiness day after day. And as long as you continue, I will too, because we need each other in the struggle. Truth be told, it is the struggle that makes it all worth the while, and the challenge to make it sweet and victorious when you get there. Keep going, and never be beaten too hard, you still got fight, and if you don’t believe in yourself, for what it’s worth I believe in you. So keep fighting, keep going, until there is nothing left, and hope for one day it won’t be like this. Until that day, you are brave, you are strong, and you will outlast them all. Head forwards, and still smiling, hold to your dreams, hold to your heart’s desires because they are the only thing that makes sense when life is a mess.

In Search of the Single Thread That Makes Everything Fall Apart

Letting go is impossible. There will always be reminiscence, and residue of the thing or person you are trying to let go. You distance yourself and it only makes it worse as your world grows to a bitter cold. And eventually you reach a point where you are your worst enemy. You are looking for something. You see the image of your reflection shatter into a million pieces shaped to a sudden impact. You open your eyes and there you are, hovering in-between, left on the side, humbly alone. This is the way you tell yourself, you get up again, and then it hits you once more, and you’re down. This time you don’t know if you can get back up, and it feels like drowning and that person or thing you’re trying to let go pushes you with their foot on your chest. Your eyes bleed with tears of pain as the water floods your vision, and your screams are matched with water filling your mouth. You don’t feel like you can breathe anymore, and you feel the rough surface of boot scratch at your chest the more you struggle.
Before your oppressor’s face is the sun breaking through the clouds, and you can hear the wind through the splashing water and grunts, and you soon forget where you are. You lose yourself and you lose the person you struggle between missing and wanting to forget, and you don’t care anymore. You feel light, as if you were water drifting upon water, and you look around you and it all confirms your realization. You feel the world fall apart around you, and through the damper of water it all sounds so beautiful. You whistle and hum your theme song as the credits roll to the world you once know. Fairest of wells to all those greats, and all those mothers of crime and bloodsucking, to smiles that charmed the devil, to the saddest love you have ever lived. You will be free soon, as your lifeless body floods to the banks of a nameless land. You will be a stranger here, and the people you meet will disappear when you close your eyes. The air is as thick as dust, and ashes form shadows. The beating of your heart wakes you, and you no longer care. Who are you now, who are you once you let go?

And this is when you stop letting go, and you hold on, you do what foolish people do when in love and you give to a faceless hope. They aren’t here, and haven’t been for a while, still: hold on. They can never love you back: hold on. They don’t know anything about all of this: hold on. You’re falling apart, and looking for anyway out: hold on. But there isn’t any reason to keep holding on: hold on. I can’t anymore, I don’t know if I got anything left: hold on. I can’t love you anymore: hold on. Why can’t this all end: hold on. I just wanted you to be happy, and so if I leave now: hold on. Do you know how much you mean to me as I hold myself together long enough to see you again: holding on.

(I’ll be here, even if my body turns to dust, you could brush me off, and I’ll live in your hair.)

*and so concludes this month of self-help in the form of:
Learning To Love Yourself (More): or howtolivewithyourselfwhenthereisavoidwheretheyoncewere